Mind Spinning Again

"My mind is spinning" was first a phrase I started using when stuck trying to speak a foreign language for longer than normal, or when I had Spanish class right after German class for a few months in college.

Now it means I have a lot to think about, and that is definitely the case right now.  I've been going to Highrock Church the past 6 weeks and it has my mind spinning faster than it has in quite some time.  First by way of the "Stories" series on Sunday mornings in combination with a short course on telling your story in light of God's larger more important story.  This was quickly followed by a retreat for recent grads on the relationship between work and faith.  Learning how to be who God wants you to be and grow his Kingdom in the context of your work is no simple matter.  Most recently was a course on finances, which is a topic near and dear to my heart but about which I have much to learn.

I think all three of those topics address related issues for me from different angles.  Coupled with the major transition of moving cities and starting full time work, the question of the day is "What does living as a Christian look like for me today, tomorrow, and what might it look like in 10 or 20 years?"

Bahh, so much to think about, but all I want to do is work, eat, and sleep.  I think this is healthy though.

Vegetables

Vegetarian.  The stigma of the word is starting to wear off for me.

A few years ago it was something obscure and impractical for people who valued animal life more than human life, and were paranoid to the extreme (my view anyway).  There are/were quite a number of other connotations that went along with it.  It was far away from me.  I remember being vegetarian for a day freshman year of college just to see what it was like, and it was basically miserable.  I was hungry all day.  My salad didn't fill me up.

A year later my dad had a heart attack.  That only added to the bad heart health in my history.  I began to pay attention to sodium, cholesterol, and saturated fat levels in my food.  The days of lucky charms for breakfast, and Alfredo sauce at dinner were a thing of the past (mostly).  I figured if I made small changes to my diet early, I wouldn't have to make the radical changes that people end up having to make to their diets post heart attack.

In Germany, I read Born to Run by Chris Mcdougall.  One of the main characters was Scott Jurek, a vegan ultramarathon runner.  My earlier vegetarian experiment had failed because I didn't know how to cook properly, and... I didn't like beans (and I hadn't even heard of quinoa yet).  I had lunch meat on my sandwiches most of that year, because they were free and beggars can't be choosers, but I started experimenting with vegetarian dinners sometimes.  I got used to the idea that a meal could still be a meal, even without meat.

I heard a TED Talk by Graham Hill about being a "weekday vegetarian."  It intrigued me, because it was sort of what I was doing already.  I had kind of decided that meat was fine and all, but that we eat too much of it, so I ate it just once or twice a week "on the weekends."  Mostly I loved that I never got a food coma from vegetarian meals.  I could pretty much eat and then go out on a long run a few minutes later - the time I needed to tie my shoes.  Another term for that is being a "meat-reducer"

Then I discovered black bean burgers!

So much more flavor than a beef burger!

I eventually added fried rice made with tofu, and a couple variations of rice and beans, and reached a point where I was making all of my meals vegetarian.  Pretty much the only time I ate meat was when others prepared the food, or sometimes in restaurants.  Even those times though, I think I really ate the meat because I didn't want to be a vegetarian, because frankly... vegetarians annoy me.  I didn't want to be associated with it, and so occasionally people would ask if I was vegetarian, and I would quickly reply, "no, I just don't eat a lot of meat," which was the truth.  I suppose I don't like labels.  The only label I take readily is that of "Christian" although even that label cannot be applied without an inner struggle.

Sustainability.  Unlike some I don't fear running out of resources really, but I don't like being frivolous.  I'm an engineer.  I like efficiency.  Nutrients come from the ground through plants which we can eat.  If animals eat the plants and we eat the animals, it takes about seven times as much plant to get us our nutrients because of inefficiencies in the food chain.  Of course, there are some areas that are good for animal grazing and not good for planting human food, so it goes both ways.

I read a section of a book called The China Study in which the premise was that yes, carcinogens cause cancer, but only in the presence of animal protein.  Carcinogens are almost impossible to avoid entirely, but animal protein can be avoided.  I only read a section, and a lot of it went over my head, but it was interesting.  They did an in depth study of many regions in china because the government had a lot of data, and since people eat very locally, most people in the same county ate the same foods, so making correlations became easier, at least that was what I understood.

I started adding vegetarian meals to my week so slowly, that it wasn't really difficult at all.  That brings an interesting phenomenon into play that is really obvious.  If something is hard, you need a lot of motivation to do it, but if it's easy, you need very little.  Since it was easy, I didn't need much motivation.

Healthwise, I have some decent motivation to eat less meat.  Morally I take most of my cues from the Bible.  In the Bible, God initially gave us only plants to eat, but after the fall of mankind he permitted the eating of animals, so I don't think eating meat is sinful.  The Bible also says that all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial (1 Corinthians 10).  The context there is actually talking about eating meat offered to idols.  At the same time, I think if we are fully capable of living with relative ease without needing to unnaturally raise and then kill animals, then there might be value to that.  I know that in some areas of the world, they can only survive by living off of animals and I am totally okay with that, but in places where it's easy to avoid, I figure it's worth avoiding.  I'm not sure where the dividing line is between easy and hard so I'm not going to make a moral judgement on the matter.  It does intrigue me though that before the fall of man, we were vegetarian.  Of course we were also naked... so I'm not suggesting we try and imitate that time period.

Some of my vegetarian meals are vegan like this amazing chili:

Others like the black bean burgers require an egg.  Eating vegan meals is more challenging, and it's not a priority right now, but in my book, a vegan meal is a bonus I suppose.  Maybe over time, the survival of the fittest in my recipe book will make me a vegan.  I bought chocolate soy milk for the first time today.  Of course it is a little bit pricey which makes it less convenient so I can't afford it all of the time right now.

So I don't know where this story will end.  I suppose I am a vegetarian in denial, and may eventually find myself being a vegan in denial.  I don't really know.  This concludes a summary of a journey I never saw myself taking.  I am not telling you to take it, though I appreciate having other people to bounce ideas off of, and if you are willing to accept that a meal without meat is still a meal, it will make it much easier for me to invite you into my home.  My home is great.  If I'm at your home, I will gladly eat your meat and I promise not to judge you.  I care about you much more than I care about my diet.  I value people high above animals.

That's all I have to say now.

A Connecting Addicted Society

This summer has been an interesting time for me.  It was the first time living by myself with internet.  I had a lot of time on my own, and that meant a lot of time wasted on the internet.  The internet is amazing and valuable and often I have things I need to do or learn or share via the internet.  I think that's great.  I noticed a problem though; I was almost always up to date on everything facebook decided to send to my home page.  I'd get home from class and scroll down and down and down, until I realized I was reading the things I'd seen before I went to class.  Then I'd go over to blogspot to see if anyone had posted anything, then I'd go back to facebook, and see the 2 new entries on my home page.  Then I'd close my laptop and go eat some yogurt.  Then I'd pull up facebook, and see another new entry...  Wow, getting addicted.  I recently started turning off my laptop when I'm not using it, so I wouldn't be so tempted to "just pull up facebook real quick."  I still think facebook is an AMAZING tool, and I have no intention of deleting my account any time soon.  It's very effective for coordinating activities amongst friends, and sharing visually, what exciting thing happened recently.  People complain about it's narcissistic nature, but I don't think that's what it is (necessarily).  No, I don't care that you just made the best spaghetti ever, but I do care that you visited Letchworth State Park, and I think you can describe the beauty better by sharing photos than in a conversation.  I care about you, and want to know what you're experiencing.  That said, it should be a supplement to real life interactions, not a replacement.

On a related note; smartphones.

Before I go into this, I realize you probably own a smartphone.  I am not attacking you (necessarily). But if your life looks like this video, yes, I think you have a problem, and you need to figure out a solution.

So for me, the real hindrance in getting a smartphone is the price.  It would cost me an extra $40 a month adding up to $480 a year.  I'd rather buy this bicycle:

I could buy it in a new color every year.  Or I could save for retirement... less fun, but important.

But anyway, even if it were a financially viable option, I still like to think I wouldn't have one.  Since I don't need instant access to email for work, I think checking my personal email 3 times a day is more than enough (and I have a very nice laptop on which I can check it).  Facebook... well we've already decided that I don't need to check that more often.  GPS; that could be nice, but... still not worth it.  I'm moving to Boston, known to be difficult to navigate.  So, I just look up where I'm going before I go.  Once, when visiting my cousin, I made a mistake and couldn't figure out where to go, so I called him and we sorted it out quickly and easily.  I expect my first few weeks in Boston will be a little chaotic, but after cycling all the back roads by memory instead of GPS, I think I'll know the city better than anyone.  I think that will be really fun and I'm looking forward to that.

Smartphones do have their advantages, which is why so many people have them.  I basically had one for a few years in college (iPod touch and wifi everywhere), and it got me a note taking job (though ironically it also caused me to pay less attention in class), and when you are out on vacation exploring a new city, it can make things so much simpler.  If you need it for work, that totally makes sense.  These advantages just don't seem that great to me though, and I know I'd have a hard time not being addicted to it.  That video makes me sad, and I want to say thank you to those of you with smartphones and self-control.  For those of us with average self-control, think twice about whether you want to keep the internet in your pocket.  For that matter, I think we should think twice about most things.

God Called Me To...

Calling is a crazy thing.  The American Christian perspective, mixed with the perspective of this generation has been the birthing ground of a belief that I find intriguing, but which many people question.  Calling, God's plan for your life, your destiny, predestination, are all words that relate to the topic, and about which people have varying opinions on.  When people claim that God has a particular plan for your life there are two reactions people commonly have.  People are either excited about how God is going to use them to change the world, or people are scared that they will miss God's calling for their life.  This applies in all sorts of areas, but I will stick to how calling affects your career in this entry.

Many people in my generation have watched their parents work long hours for decades at jobs they don't like to make a little more money to make ends meet (sometimes for needs and sometimes for wants).  It doesn't really matter what the money was needed for, I think my generation is terrified of devoting so much time to something they do not love.  It's not worth it!  When you add in what we were taught growing up ("you can be anything you set your heart to be!"), we end up in a position where we want to love our jobs, and if we do not, we have failed.  That goes for the whole generation.  Christians take the same thing and spin it up a bit.  God is calling you to a job that you are passionate about, good at, and makes this world look more like he wanted it to be.

From there, some people decide to just pick their job based on those 3 criteria, assuming that if it meets those, that must be where God is calling them.  For these people, you learn to understand God and yourself, and then you figure out what to do based on that knowledge.  Of course you also pray that God guides you, and then whenever you find something fitting, you can claim that's where God wants you to be.  You've found your calling.  For this person, perhaps there are hundreds of different opportunities that are equally good from God's perspective.  Just take the one you like and it'll be fine.

Another perspective is that you ask God where to go, and he tells you rather bluntly and specifically, probably after weeks, months, or years of prayer and fasting.  Maybe it's something you like and excel at, and maybe it's not.  If you hear God and follow it, you are in his will, but if you miss it, you're in sin, devoting your life to things God never intended you to do.

By my word choice, you can probably guess that I think these views are extreme and over simplified, and that my perspective is somewhere in the middle.  I do believe God made us a certain way with certain gifts and abilities and we are to use them for him.  Think of the parable of the talents.  On the other hand, I do think God calls us sometimes to do things we do not want to do, and do not have the ability to do or do well.  Think of every martyr ever, and also king Saul.  I also think God speaks to us clearly today.  He did in the Bible, and I do not think that's changed.

Imagine you have the option of 10 career paths, I believe you have the potential to honor or dishonor God with every single one of them.  I also think though, that some of them have better opportunity for impacting the world for God's kingdom.  Impact is hard for us to measure, but I think God can measure it.  He probably has a metric like "number of people interacted with" times "number of people saved" times "percent personal spiritual growth" divided by "the ultimate good".  I believe he also somehow knows the future.  Not sure if he knows potential futures, or only the actual future, or how that works, but I am certain, he is better qualified to decide which of those 10 career paths is best for us to take than we are.  So what does that mean to me?

Ask him!

"God, what should I do?  I would like to do this or that, but I don't know the implications of making that choice."

From there, I think God responds in any number of ways, but most often his method of response is such that it is sufficient for us to make the choice with relative confidence that we are doing what God thinks is best.  If God wants me to be a coal miner, and that makes no sense to me, he's going to have to slam some other doors in my face.  I'd need rejection letters from every other job I applied to, and a friend to come up to me out of no where and suggest I apply at the coal mine his uncle owns.  On the other hand, if God is calling me to something I would like to do, and I'm already familiar with his voice, a gentle whisper may be all I need.

All this said, if I hear God wrong?  I do not believe that is a sin.  If he wants me to make shoes, but I make bikes instead, I might miss a great opportunity I would have had, but there will be other opportunities in bikes.  God is not spiteful to his children.  If we miss what he's saying, it will not be the end of the world.  We do not have to panic.  We just need to continue to seek God and take our next steps based on what he is saying at the time.

Oh and guess what?!  Sometimes, I believe there are multiple good options.  You ask God what to do and he doesn't get back to you on which one is better.  Sometimes God just says, "those are both terrific opportunities.  Pick whichever you prefer!"

Anyways, much of this has to do with how clearly you believe God speaks today.  If your God is relatively silent, you are forced towards the first picture I painted.  If you believe God does speak to you, it would seem strange to me, that he would ignore the topic of career as a rule.

I'm in the thick of all this right now.  I have experienced a lot in the last months.  I'll save the personal story for when the story has a conclusion (hopefully in the next few weeks!).  I'll just leave it for now and say, I'm fairly confident where God wants me to be, and I love that feeling.

BE COMPETITIVE!!!

So a friend asked me a question that I thought was worth a blog entry.

“As a PUMA employee, are you nudged to compete/be active?”

Short answer is no.  Perhaps at some companies it would be more, but at PUMA we (well I should say ‘they’) are proud to be a lifestyle brand too.  That attracts many employees who have null interest in sports and the company is okay with that, and even encourages that.  At the same time though, there is still a good crowd of people who like sports a lot, and if you hang out with those people, that becomes a bigger focus in life.  People always warn that if you hang out with the wrong crowd you’ll end up on drugs and an alcoholic, but it runs other ways too.  If you hang out with the athletes, you’re a lot more likely to find yourself competing.  In my particular case, in addition to the people I hang out with, my research on running shoes has triggered a fascination with running and running shoes.  Running isn’t just breathing hard now, but rather a study of efficiency, strength, and durability.  That keeps it much more interesting, as do my running buddies of course.

Home Means:

Home means lower doorknobs, and bedrooms without keyholes.
It's windows that open up and down instead of in and out, and it's winter so they're closed.
It's my guitar and fitting tweed case.
It's book after book, and internet everywhere.
It's a sound system that shakes the kitchen below me.
We enter on the first floor, because we don't have ground floors.
And that first floor is a figure eight, around which I can chase my sisters.
It's family and hugs, and hugs and family.  Love all around.
It's peanut butter or Reeses, it's tortilla chips and spicy salsa.
It's living on the top of a mountain that makes every run hurt twice as fast.
It's having wildlife come through the backyard, and a dog through the living room.  
It's a kitchen for 4 instead of 2, and of course a living room dining room family room to boot.
It's hosting 5 friends and a Grandma all at once.
It comes with a dryer for my clothes and a rack for dirty shoes that shouldn't be in my room.
It means never having to walk farther than the garage.
It's temperatures in Fahrenheit and gas in gallons.
Grooveshark works and GEMA doesn't block every second YouTube video


Most of all though it's back to the family and hugs and hugs and family, and friends and hugs too.






These are the things I've missed the past 4 months, not in any sort of order, just things I've noticed in the last week.  It's not a comparison of Germany against the United States, just of my life in Erlangen against my life at home.

It Takes A Long Time

It takes a long time to kill a man

55 years at least

until he breaks down 

starts to look underground

and go off and get him some peace.”

I want to die a lot quicker than that

if it’s my only way out.

I’ve been counting up the cost

getting up on that cross

I want to know what this is all about.

A friend of mine, Peter, talked to me about this song during my sophomore year of college.  It’s Jon Foreman (Switchfoot) “Resurrect me.”  He’s talking about the mid-life crisis.  I personally don’t have a lot of experience with these sorts of crises but I’m trying to have mine sooner rather than later.  My perspective is that we have the dreams, goals, ideas, things we live for, that we spend a lot of our resources chasing after.  Maybe we get there and maybe we don’t.  We spend more time chasing though than developing the goals well in the first place.  Then after a while of chasing, we start to wonder why we were chasing what we were chasing in the first place.  A new set of priorities moves in and replaces the old set.

I have definitely had those goals and been chasing them quite systematically.  My senior project, my major, my university, learning Germany, studying abroad were all steps leading up to my goal of developing athletic shoes.  As an intern now at PUMA, I find my goal drawing rather close.  As college draws to a close, I will have some big decisions to make.  I could take a job at PUMA and reach my goal.  I mean, who doesn’t like achieving goals?  Or I could re-evaluate my goal.  Even now I am beginning to step back again and look again at where I am going.  I don’t want to get 20 years down the road working at PUMA and then notice that there are more important things I could have and should have been doing.

I realize this is pretty vague, but that gives you an overview anyway of what’s in my head.  I’m not at all sure where the thought process will lead yet but you can expect to hear more about it over the coming year.

Observing Those Further Down the Road

“That’s it! I’m moving in with Freddy!” declared TJ as he came in to work, a little later than usual...  Freddy (my supervisor), already at his desk, was a little surprised.  TJ went on to explain that the 3 hours of commuting each day to work was too much.  If he moved to Herzo (where Freddy is), he could have 15 hours a week more with his newborn son.  I made a mental not of the conversation as something that might be valuable to remember someday.  Sure, sometimes a long commute can be a nice thing to clear your mind or think, but if that’s what you need then just go for a drive or a walk.  Living far away means you are forced to take that time, even when it can’t be afforded.  I’d like to keep all regular commutes in my life under 30 minutes.

Glad I finally got that figured out.

oh I'll make it I reckon.

God can always be counted on.  Did I say that before?  Here I am going through the month, money is just barely going to last me until my first paycheck and then my bank card stops working.  I managed to get it all scratched up in my wallet.  I go to the bank to deal with it and the lady at the counter says, “Okay, that’ll be 20€.”  ... “Okay,” said I, “hold that thought, I don’t have 20€ this second.”  So I go home in a rather stressed way inwardly, and get to counting all my loose change and doing a little math.  If I’m super careful, I could possibly make it to next friday when my paycheck comes, but who knows, it’ll be close. Then I remembered that Monday being a holiday, everything would be closed, including the bakery where I get some free food on Mondays for the week... Eating will be even a bigger challenge.  I think God tried to remind me that he was God and could handle it that evening when I was so stressed, but he said it in German and it didn’t really sink in. So I decide I can just maybe kind of afford the card, which I need actually to collect money when it does come so I can pay for my visa on next Monday.  Well I get to the bank all ready to buy a new card, and what should I find, but it’s a different lady who gives me a card for free, along with a case that will protect my card from future scratches!  With an extra 20€ in hand, I can undoubtedly make it through the week.  God has yet to leave me hanging.  Maybe I’ll start trusting him soon.

So a theme often on my heart is serving God well with my finances.  I definitely think God calls different people to do that in different ways.  For me, it definitely means not living extravagantly, and I haven’t felt like I have been living a particularly luxurious life.  God started poking at my lifestyle though a lot in this past week, and pointing out things in my life.  I was talking with another foreigner in a much less fortunate situation than myself.  She, her mom, and her daughter were living on 120€ a month from the government, and it sounded like that was really their only income besides some they could gather begging.  I thought I was being stingy when I budgeted 120€ for food my first month (the first month is more expensive because you’re stocking up on basic ingredients that will last a while, plus detergent, and toilet paper and all that jazz).

God pointed out to me that while I haven’t been super extravagant, depending on the standards you compare me to, the key was that I have always been living right up to the edge of my means.  God wants me to practice living under my means, even now when my means are very small.  I need to stop a habit that could be dangerous in the long run.  My mindset has been to look at what I have and then use it.  When I get a raise, I use it.  When I graduate and get a real job, I use more.  As I begin making more money, I begin to live extravagantly just by following the unextravagant pattern I’ve been living now of using all of my means.  I need to be able to have extravagant means without an extravagant lifestyle.  God pointed this out to me by throwing a forgotten 50€ visa expense at me.  Suddenly my food budget went down to 70€.  That means this month I am still living to the edge of my means, but through it all, God was able to point out this habit in my life so that when the money does begin to come in (hopefully at the end of the month) I might be able to continue living as I have this month, so that I may be a blessing to others with my coming abundance (I didn't even realize it was abundant until now).

Don’t let your lifestyle keep rising to your income.

Define your lifestyle and then do something awesome and unselfish when your income rises.

Welcome to PUMA

So I reckon it’s about time to talk about PUMA.  First impressions, very classy, stylishly designed buildings.  Bold, but not obnoxious.  Lot’s of red, white, and dark grey.  Everything clean.  I can’t just take pictures everywhere for secrecy’s sake, but I’ll get some up over the next few days.  There are two main buildings in Herzo.  I’m in the one on the edge of town that is larger, and conveniently attached to the PUMA store and Factory outlet store which I just visited today finally.  I do have a discount, but I won’t have money till my paycheck comes at the end of the month so I’ll just have to wait.  Difficult I must say!

Second impressions, at my desk and explored the nearby rooms, it was overwhelming how many shoes were everywhere.  Boxes of shoes and prototypes.  Shelves labeled country after country after season after year after category of shoes at different stages in development.  I’m sure there are over $100,000 worth of shoes on my floor of the building when you consider that most of them are prototypes.  That basically just means only 3 pairs were made for testing etc, and since they aren’t at the stage of being mass produced yet, they cost a fair penny to make.

As I was walked around the office and introduced to people, it was amazing to see that the daily work of such a small group of people (relatively) could be recognized and known by so many millions.  I mean, I would say there are at least 1,000 pair of PUMA’s at the RIT campus alone, and I’ve met the people already who have designed over half of them as well as the however many million other pairs around the world.  The downside to all of this is, that to run such a big system so well, there is loads of bookkeeping and database organizing etc...  That’s what I’ve been learning this week.  There is a lot of dry, necessary, background understanding required before you can do anything interesting.  My boss is on vacation this week and his boss is sick, but when one of them gets back, I can expect to learn more about what will be expected of me over the next 12 months.  I don’t expect to really know anything until next week.

Here’s something cool.  I guess in Germany you’re supposed to work 39 hour weeks, but PUMA says, “no, let’s do 40, but we’ll save up those extra hours you’ve worked and give you extra time off at Christmas.”  That way, everyone has off from Christmas to New Years, without even using vacation time!  

Beginning the Adventure

So it's off to a bumpy start. Initially the plan was to take off Monday at lunch time via Newark, NJ. The hurricane though has stopped that plan in its tracks and canceled my flight. Now it's just calling the airline over and over and over and over again. Lines are busy though so we'll see what happens later I reckon. Maybe by 3am the lines will be chill enough for me to get in and figure out what's going on.

I do think this is good for me though. I've always been one to have all my ducks in a row before moving. This trip though involves a lot of details outside of my control. It's amazing how a storm can pull everything out of what I can do on my own strength. "God's got the whole world in his hands," has been God's word to me today though and I'd like to walk as if I really believed that. I suppose I don't really have a choice anyway so I might as well.

Hopefully my next entry will be from Germany! later skaters,

Real

What is Real? I'm not talking about our sense of reality and what exists, but instead about this idea I see about me. People want to be real. Maybe it's a new phenomenon and maybe not. I know what it's not. It's not Fake. It's the rebellion against the fake that we're all sick of seeing, whether that be in the media, the generations before, or even the church. Real is not wearing a mask to cover up who you really are. Real is not forcing yourself to conform against your will to the norms. It's admitting what doesn't make sense to you and not walking along as if it did just because the people around you seem to get it.

What does that mean in practice though. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Should we strive to be real?

I think yes, but with a caution.

We're born evil. Sinful nature. To me that's pretty clear just looking around. The danger then is this. We place being real on a pedestal and say, I know this (whatever this may be for you) is wrong, but if I don't do it, I wouldn't be being true to myself. I wouldn't be the true me. I would be fake to not do it. Therefore I must do it.

No. The idea isn't "be true to yourself." Instead the idea is "be true to who you should be." Find out what you were created for and,

pursue it,

openly,

honestly,

fully.

When what you know is right and what you feel is right disagree, don't just blindly pick one, following what you know and being fake, or what you feel because you want to be real. Instead Question, Search, Think, Observe, until the two things become aligned. Some times that's a shift in what you know, or thought you knew, and other times it's a shift in how you feel.

Always admit to yourself what bothers you, what you don't understand, what you disagree with, but don't leave it there. Fix it. When you've fixed it, you've grown. The Real you has become closer to who it should be. That's the difference. There's the people who reject themselves to make it look like they are who they should be. They look like they've progressed while they leave their real selves far behind. That is fake. Real, is when what you really think, and how you really feel is how you act, and that real you grows each day to be closer to the you that should be. Those two different lives will look the same for a time, but in the end, one will be going through meaningless motions and the other will be living from the heart.

Real is not an excuse to give in to your nature. It is not an excuse to be lazy, not to struggle. Real is a challenge to do nothing thoughtlessly. Both being fake, and being "true to your nature" kill you, while being Real and true to who you should be, gives life.

Theology (that could change your life)

I'll start by addressing those of you that haven't been raised in the church. You probably have seen some video of Christians speaking "in tongues," or barking, or prophesying, or falling down. Those things probably make you uncomfortable. Well here's the thing, I'm uncomfortable too. Unfortunately we can't judge the reality of something based on how comfortable it makes us feel. I can't say that because it's weird and scares me it's fake, and likewise I can't say it makes me uncomfortable so it's probably really God. Instead we must look at the Bible for insight. Some things it talks about directly and other things me may have to infer from God's character. The interpretations are numerous in the church and it turns out here in Germany it is no different.

So the question of the week (or maybe longer) is what does the Holy Spirit look like in our lives? or really how should he look in our lives. The Holy Spirit is God with us, in our hearts and minds, giving direction and teaching us to have the greatest effect for God's kingdom. That includes a handful of gifts to which he gives us access which talked about in numerous places in the New Testament. 1 Corinthians 12 is a good example. It talks about healing, tongues, prophesy, wisdom etc. People will argue that that was only for the early church but I think the main reason that is argued is not because of the scriptural evidence (though you can find verses that hint mildly in that direction) but more because of how uncomfortable the idea is. I've looked for the proof because indeed I think I would like that too but I can't say with a good conscience that I've found it.

The real issue I come to is, how Biblical is it to be slain in the spirit, bark, or have seizures because of the Holy Spirit's power on you. I haven't particularly run into any verses that say strongly either way, though the lack of it's mention is suspicious. Then again the Bible always leaves space for faith, not giving every single detail. I also don't want to condemn something and then find out later that indeed it was the Holy Spirit that was responsible for it. There are so many people I respect on either side of the issue making it rather more difficult. I don't know what's right and what's wrong and I don't want to just pick a position arbitrarily. It's frustrating and has my mind spinning. The only conclusion I've yet come to is that it is imperative that we know the scriptures well. I have a lot of learning to do.

Feel free to chime in with verses or perspectives to think about. I need to find some Truth.

Osnabrück in Fall

a seat along a path,

out of the way

view of what's here

life rolls by on wheels and on foot

gently, pleasantly

"I urge you brothers... to aspire to live quietly, to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands." -Thessalonians 4:11

Kein Fahrrad (no bike)

Bikes are all over the place. Huge lots full, packed to the limits with bikes. Bike lanes, bike traffic lights, everything for bikes. A bike here in Osnabrück is the perfect way to get anywhere fast. My roommate found one cheap. I almost followed suit, and then wondered,

"why do I need to get anywhere fast?"

Do you learn better fast? or observe better, see better, think better, pray better?

All that fast does it get things done, but I'm not actually here to get things done. I want to learn, observe, see, think, and pray. I will do that slowly. There are other things I could do better slowly but it's 2am and I can't think of them right now.

Ambassador

I never realized just how much representing one person can do until just the other night. People always say things like, "remember when in another country you represent the whole US, or RIT, or whatever." That seems ridiculous because you can't judge a culture based on one person from it. In our heads everyone knows that, but in practice we easily judge groups based on one individual. Example:

The other night my German roommates talked about the American who lived in my room last year. She was quite the party animal. Regularly out till 7am, at parties, and hosting parties here. Her wild 21st birthday party ended up with cake and footprints all over the wall, requiring a new paint job. She made life miserable for the rest of the people living here.

When my roommates heard that this semester they were getting another American, they all dreaded that they were in for round 2. They just knew one American and she was crazy, so they all must be crazy... It's the same representing Christ, or longboarders, or white people, or engineers. If you're the only person in a category that people know, then you have a huge influence over their perception of that group.

Be careful.

Represent well.

¿What's Your Favorite Kind of Music?

So I'm not usually good at questions about favorites with very few exceptions (favorite color? - Green). Anyways, for how much I like music, I realized how poorly I can categorize what I like.

For a while I thought I liked music that I would love to be able to play (I like a lot of acoustic guitar music), but then I realized it's the other way around. I love to learn to play music that I appreciate, so I'm back to starts on what I like.

So I realized as to style it's this. I love when music could be played by one person in a field, or a group of friends sitting around a fire. Maybe the album adds more but the essence of the song can be fully captured in that simple arrangement and setting, because that perfect screaming guitar solo, or that blazing kick drum doesn't really make a song good, they are just signs of gifted musicians, not gifted artists. The appreciation of the simple is in large because what I appreciate in content.

In the content there has to be something about the song that catches my attention. The words should have a real connection to the ponderings of the artist. Ideally it's either something I've been thinking about, or it challenges me to think about.

Secondly, I like when songs paint a picture and use the music and the lyrics together to make you feel just what it's showing you.

Look at these lyrics in Cannons by Phil Wickham:

The chorus goes like this:

Singing you are holy, great and mighty,

the moon and the starts declare who you are.

I'm so unworthy, but still you love me,

Forever my heart will sing of how great you are.

Definitely true and good, but also very cliché. Ordinarily this would bore me (unless God had just been speaking to me about my unworthiness or something of the like, suddenly making the song personal). What Phil does though that makes me appreciate the song is he paints a picture through the verse that leads into the chorus and makes it many times more powerful. Here it is:

(verse 2, though verse 1 is good too)

Beautiful and free, the song of galaxies,

Reaching far beyond the Milky Way.

Let's join in with the sound,

Come on, Let's sing it out,

As the music of the universe plays

and then continue up to the chorus.

...Find the song here.

That's cool, thats what I like. It's so much bigger. I can visualize a symphonic roar filling the galaxy, all excited about God. The illustration is verse 1 is beautiful as well. There are so many songs especially on Christian radio in particular that speak vague truth in a vague impersonal way. It's like they thought of a tune they liked and had to fill it with some words. Art shouldn't be about being catchy, it's about expressing.

Now I just need to find more music that fits. Feel free to recommend. I'm bad at searching out music. (and these posts are getting long)

Amazing Worship -::- Amazing Music

What's the difference?

The first is clearly more "spiritual" than the latter, but what does that genuine spiritual experience look like in our lives, especially when everything we experience gets filtered through our physical bodies. Also, to clarify I'm using a very narrow definition of worship here, referring to praising God through song whether it be as a church or individually. Worship entails significantly more than that but that was the aspect of worship providing the confusion for me.

There have been plenty of times I can point to in the past 10 years where as worship concluded I had this feeling that worship was awesome, but then I realized that that "awesome worship" feeling came at times when I just heard music I loved and the mix was perfect and the mood was set just right. Not that worship can't happen in those places, but I began to wonder if my worship experience was really just manipulating my mind and emotions through music, a beautiful tool that ties so closely into our hearts that it carries a lot of power, regardless of "spiritual" content.

The last few months have been a battle to get to the bottom of this. How do I know when I'm enjoying God's presence or deep and worship versus just enjoying an awesome groove??? As soon as a that uncertainty in my worship surfaced my worship dried up, and I could hardly participate in worship or music at all.

Frustrating to not know the difference between God and music. Were all those times just resting in the presence of God, really just times of being massaged by a rhythm that hit the spot?

So here's what I'm thinking. Worship can manifest in any time, any place, and can be expressed through so many mediums. One of the most awesome settings is in a community of people who have devoted all they are to Jesus Christ. So we gather and use music, as a powerful mode of expression to worship our Lord. A great idea in principle but here's where I started messing it up.

I roll in Sunday morning and I "arrive at worship," or I pull out my guitar to do a worship song. As I waltz into that worship setting I enjoy some music and then it's done and I wonder if I really encountered God or not. Now here's what needs to change.

I need to go through my days recognizing God everywhere. There are times when I see him inspire people to awesome things. There are times when he opens up opportunities for me to represent him clearly. He gives revelations of how good he is, and how he's blessed me. I need to think on those things, to dwell on those things, and to let those things build up. When the goodness of God begins to overwhelm me (which should really happen on a much more regular basis), I can use music, in my room or corporately, to express that joy, and that passion, and that thanksgiving. The music just becomes the best medium for expressing the emotions within, and not a medium for attempting to manipulate them into feeling like God is good. God makes himself good. The music doesn't do that. Music just happens because God IS Good.

The Practice of the Presence of God

So I'm reading the above named book by Brother Lawrence (which is a terrific name by the way). It's only 62 pages so I started today and am half done which is great. It's all about how this guy lived permanently in God's presence.

"The time of business" said he, "does not with me differ from the time of prayer; and in the noise and clatter of my kitchen, while several persons are at the same time calling for different things, I possess God in as great tranquillity as if I were upon my knees at the blessed sacrament."

To walk that would be so awesome. I know right now God seems so far from the workplace (engineering?) that imagining his presence there is difficult but I want to learn from Larry's example. I'm curious what it was all actually like for him. He says as well:

"I have no will but that of God...I would not take up a straw against his order or of any other motive than purely that of love for him."

If that is something that can be reached, I want it. I reckon I'll post something about how he says he got to that position but that's all for now